◇US★PORK◆유에스포크◇尤爱斯破客◆

YOU ESS PORK 

 

Latest cover - Hush Hush by the Pussycat Dolls

  

     

 

I've decided to let all that mess drop. Or at least, make it sit quietly at the back of my head. I still don't understand why things turned out this way, and sometimes can't help wishing that their roles are switched. But I've learned to laugh about it and leave it behind, instead of getting frustrated. What can I do anyway? We are powerful against life in many ways, but you gotta admit that, there are times when fate takes its course.

 

When it's this hard to love someone, you know he's not and will never be the one.

 

I do wish I could tell you all that I'm thinking. All my guilty little pleasures. And my unspoken love. Perhaps you already know, and I'm just being too smart thinking that you don't. Well. One day. Maybe one day I will.

 

 

It's been a good few weeks for me to calmly think things through. I still feel that I think about the past and the future a little too much I'm losing focus on what's happening at the present. That's when I know, that major changes are on the way.

 

I feel the uncontrollable urge to change the way life is.

 

 

P.S. I'm ditching this blog cuz it's so user-unfriendly. Supposedly being able to publish blog entries from Word should make things easier; but one, I can't figure out how to insert pitures straight from Word, and two, I usually have to check a few times after publishing to make sure all the formatting falls into places. When I try blogging signed-in, Safari doesn't support rich-text editting 9 out of 10 times, so I usually have to open Internet Explorer, a browser that I don't use, JUST to put up a blog. And having two browsers open at the same time slows down my computer a lot. Plus, IE doesn't even have spell-check, which sucks. So yes, Blogger!

 

P.P.S. This is a very old cover of mine. Dedicated to all my anonymous readers and secret stalkers.

走到这里我还是独自一人 抛开所有的虚假和幻想 原来有些东西真的没变 尽管大多数的事物已经面目全非 还没来得及去思考缘由 就已经走得太远 脚印也被擦去 朦胧看到走来的路 却无法用相同的眼光去感受

也许挫折和打击是我一直以来最需要的 平淡或者略为满足的生活让我太快忘记艰辛的过程 难以用平静的心经历世界

这个时刻我疑惑自己是否真的得到所想的？到底是什么？一段份死去的爱 还是一段未开始已经熄灭的感情？就算坎坷多能让我们从中学习 为何命运就不能屈服一次 如果不能把两颗心带到一起 至少让需要爱的人有勇气去追求

时间一次又一次犯错 为你疯狂的时候 你没所表现 你回头的时候 我睬你目光已经变的懒散 最需要你的时候 你不在身边 拥抱你的时候爱却已经少到连自己心都温暖不了 我不相信能重拾旧情 却永远没能与谁完美邂逅

我们都是这么爱自己 却可惜自己给不了自己爱 便要依赖他人 却最终只能从自己身上找到慰籍

可能真的是在无意识中一步一步往回走 但我也不再畏惧 退回到原点才能更明白是如何一无所有 不必再为毫无希望的爱而奔波 或者为短暂的快乐喜极而泣 也许就更能看清前方的路

Life is really a bigger bitch than I am. It either leaves you no room to think, or keeps your mind restless. It lets you down when you're in high spirits, leaves you in doubt just as you think you know what to do, and hurts the softest spot under your strong cover. Or maybe that's just its favorite game. To test our strength and see how far we can really reach.

Oh well. It wouldn't be logical for one to have all the love, luck and happiness in the world anyway. After all that time of feeling on top of the world, it is time to cool down. Even if it means being reminded of the most unfavorable reminiscences, and observing an exciting city with quiet eyes and ears.

Lately I've always been wondering what it is that makes two hearts touch. What differentiates someone special from mere acquaintances? Do time and distance really get in the way of friendships, or is it just fate, that has its own magical power of bringing people together and setting their hearts apart? After meeting thousands of different people in our lives, lovers, friends, do we really know who are the ones that truly deserve our heart?

I know 'friends' can be defined in many ways. Every one of us has a bunch of people whom we call friends. But if we were to really think about it, do we really have as many friends as we look like we do? For the longest time, I was not able to pick a single friend who I can really call my 'best friend.' I don't know what my criteria for a best friend are; would it be someone I can talk to whenever I need to, someone to run to, or someone who's there for me through the ups and downs? I don't even think I need one of those things to judge what a best friend is, because if there really is one, I'll know. I'll know by heart that s/he is my best friend. I most likely don't even have to label them "best friends" either, because they'll be on my mind and in my heart on top of everything else.

The sad thing is, no matter how close you feel to a person, there's very little you can do to change the way s/he thinks. We do things that surprise people who know us the best all the time. It's like how you never know why couples break up in an instant after being together for years, and how we would change just because of the sudden realization that something is a mistake.

Sometimes I really wish life was less of a bitch; so it wouldn't bring I and my favorite people apart just when we needed to spend more time together, and that I wouldn't be hanging around with all the guys who'd be a perfect boyfriend of someone else's. But to see it differently, I think things are this way because life knows too well that I'm a bitch myself too, and if all things worked out without any hassle, I'd still be whining.

This is a half-written blog entry I started writing while I was in Chicago. Meeting an old friend made me think a lot and the question of what makes two hearts touch hit me. I titled the entry 'Only If There's Love' because I thought love is the only bond that connects people's hearts. I'm still pondering over the same question, but right now I'm not sure I'd still use that cheesy headline since my brain cells refresh themselves every five seconds. I'm also learning that constructing one blog entry at multiple times doesn't work, because obviously this needs a lot more inspiration than writing a paper for a general-education class. But I'm determined to finally publish anyway. Cuz if I don't, the file will just stay till I forget what it is and put it in the Recycle Bin. My first step towards anti-procrastination. J

Well I guess that's what life is: something makes you blue, and something else makes your day. It's never the end of the world, even when you feel like all the hopes are gone and that you're all alone. We're never just by ourselves; there are always people standing by our side and giving us all the love and courage. It's just for us to decide whether to realize and accept them.

This whole year has been incredible, I can't even count with one hand how many places I've been to and how many new friends I've made, and the best is yet to come! Although there were times when I questioned myself and doubted the way things were, I'm 100% positive that I did nothing I'll ever regret and very very thankful for where life has brought me to. Growing up there were always things I wanted and didn't have, but I knew at the same time I was never too greedy that I'd want to have things only because I can't have them. It takes a lot to understand that life is what you make out of it; sitting around waiting for luck to fall on your laps almost never happens.

So I open my email in-box and find an email titled 'Missing: A Canadian on a Ferry', I go WTF and click on the email and laugh my friggin ass off. Definitely my highlight of the day! I see how much time you're spending on job research Ye! But why on a milk box?

Ok now. That was too much bullshit again HAHA. So anyway, I'm liking the States so far, but not to the extent that I'd be upset leaving here. Who knows if I won't come back for a West Coast + Vancouver tour??! Right now I'm only worried about spending the rest of my time here in the best possible ways and getting all the things done once I get back. Looks like it's going to be an exciting month! I've sort of figured out my itinerary. Hmm.. yeahh.. sort of. So if you'd like to stalk me, here it is:

• Aug 6 – Aug 8 NYCC baby
• Aug 9 – Aug 15 last week of work
• Aug 16 - leaving party
• Aug 17 – Aug 25/26 Chicago! :D
• Aug 28 – Sep 3 Hong Kong
• Sep 3 -  Singapore

And from then on, I'll be living in the sunny island for a good while. You're always welcome to pay a visit.

On a side note, I'm still bumped that all my favorite peeps aren't here with me. But hopefully my love is always with you. 

June 29|Monday

Time for a new blog entry! Lately I've either been too busy, or too lazy, or lacking inspiration to write anything. Working almost eight hours a day not only wears me out, but leaves me no room to think. Not necessarily a bad thing since thinking too much gets you nowhere; but it does make me feel that I'm not moving along on my journey of self-improvement and soul-searching. So even with the little time I have, I try sparing some to sit down and organize my thoughts.

The past few weeks have been uneventful. Or at least that's how I feel. Strange as it sounds cuz supposedly right now is one of the most exciting moments in life, with all the new things and new people. My understanding is that I'm either taking time to get used to things, or worried about what's ahead of me that I can't bring myself to completely live in the present, or both. Or maybe it's just that I'm too swamped with work, and too busy stuffing my face and trying to get as much sleep as I can when I'm not working, there isn't that much room for contemplation. Whichever reason it is, it doesn't matter, because I'm getting myself back together and starting to feel empowered again. I don't know if any of these few months would top May, my best time in a long while, but I believe I can always try making things better, because they are always what you make out of them.

I've learned from many of the past experiences not to make assumptions of anything, pre-assumptions in particular. Things are never how you imagine them to be. They could be worse than you thought they were, but they do, many times, turn out to be better than expected. Without all the assumptions based on nothing, and over-expectations, you'll likely enjoy things a lot more. Sometimes it's just the attitude, not the circumstances themselves. Hmm.. that was random. But yeah.

Well hopefully that's enough to entertain all you readers out there for now. Let's see if life gets any more exciting.

Uhh.. ehhh... I... don't... know..         

One and only cam friend!  

Uhh... more like.. hungry and SCARY

 May 9|Saturday

Camera successfully rescued! That means I have a whooooole lot of pictures to put on here! Pictures from the last entry were all taken by the I-phone by the way, it’s got a pretty good camera, but not as decent as the one I have. HAH. [[= In case you’re wondering why I sound so excited, it’s cuz I’M DONE WITH MY LAST FINAL. So technically I’m not a college student anymore!! It’s like what I have been waiting for my whole life. Although there are uncertainties and challenges ahead of me, I’m just really happy about and grateful for everything that’s been planned so far and everyone that has come into my life to make a difference. I never thought I would actually say this, but at this point there really isn’t anything more I could ask for.

So yea. I just totally totally TOTALLY feel like blogging today. So this entry is going to be loooooong.. and random. Long cuz I have a lot of picture updates, and random cuz I’m showing you a collection of my ID photos. YES just to prove how good I look in ID pics! Well not exactly… I don’t really know why I’m doing it but I want to. Let’s start with….

US visa: photo taken a few weeks ago

                Yoga card: taken in 2008                                                                                     Passport: 2006

HKID: webcam shot/2006 - OH GOD THIS IS FUGLY!                                           Studnet card: 2006

  Singapore ID: 2006                                                              Picture on my Octopus (subway card): 2006

 

It just seems that I’m always running out of ID pictures. And I look friggin hideous in webcam shots! Ugh. I saw one of the handouts from an English class that’s given to us at the beginning of the semester while I was cleaning my stuff. This is a diagnostic vocab test, and the personal info page at the end is supposed to help the teacher know more about everyone in the class. But looks like she has more things she wants me to now than to know about me. I don’t friggin care about what exams Hong Kong students take okay?!

Apr 9|Thursday

EASTER BREAK! Not so inspired to blog about politics, international affairs and environmental issues, so I'm just doing yet another stupid questionnaire thing. Well not so stupid since I'm doing it! Those things are fun to do once in a while.

Apr 18|Saturday   Change 

No more classes!! 2 finals and a project and then I’m done! For good! Can’t believe everything’s coming to an end so fast, yet I’m getting really excited and anxious for all the new things lying right in front of me.

This truly has been a year of difference and change. These four months feel so long and so short at the same time, because things have changed so dramatically yet time has flown by more quickly than I can imagine. It’s hard to imagine how someone like me, is sitting here witnessing all these changes happening on my own self, knowing how hard things have been and how I’ve almost given up on waiting for this day to come. I still remember clearly that whenever I argued with my parents, they would ask me what exactly I’m not happy about, and I’d then say, ‘What is there to be happy about? Is there a single thing that would give me the slightest sense of happiness?’ That’s why it’s so amazing when everything that used to give me a reason to be upset is either being completely forgotten, or turning into part of my unique personality traits. I’m finally able to let go of all the old memories that accumulated to become a huge burden on my shoulder, look at things differently, and be fully present with everything. Meanwhile, I’m learning to improve my weaknesses, to explore my full potential, and to love.

Nobody can ever foresee what the future holds for us, so the only time we need to worry about is now; when the future happens, it too, happens in ‘the now.’ It’s true that sometimes things get a little harsh and we lose ourselves in the process of making a change, but you never know when the change happens; it might be tomorrow, or the next hour, even when you think you’ll need to wait endlessly for it to happen. Two of my all-time favorite quotes put together would be: it’s never too late for changes, and the best is yet to come.

Apr 24|Friday  

I have about two weeks before my next final and the project deadline, but I haven’t touched any of that yet BECAUSE yeaa obviously I’m blogging! Gotta start working on them soon, but seriously, I think I’m already in holiday mood and don’t feel like a student anymore!!

This has been a strange week and I feel like I was riding on an emotional rollercoaster. There were times where I was at a really low point and wouldn’t stop questioning everything: my heart, my thoughts, my dreams and wishes; but there were also certain thoughts and beliefs that made me feel cheerful and hopeful of all the challenges I’m facing. Other than those, I spent a lot of time staring into the blank because I was at a loss for words and knew that I needed to get hold of life.

I’m beginning to learn that happiness has nothing to do with how rich you are, how successful you ever become, whether or not you’re in a good love relationship, or how much love you’re getting from people around you; well let me take that back, I can’t really say nothing – happiness might have to do with all of those things stated above, but why aren’t some people who have all those things happy? It’s not just what you own and how you’re interacting with people around you, it’s how grateful you are towards all the things you’ve been given. Yes being grateful is the only way to being happy. It is, indeed, hard to find this gratitude, because we often fail to notice how lucky we are and focus only on the undesirable things in life. But believe me, you’ll find it when the changes in life bring good things along your way. What I’ve learned from my experiences is that, do not ever take anything for granted and that hard times aren’t necessarily a bad thing because they make you more grateful when good times come.

Whoa I just BS-ed a whole lot, I think I should consider teaching my profession cuz… I still have some more to say!

My mom’s msn account’s been hacked and it’s friggin sending me 5 spam messages everyday

Seriously mom! What websites have you been going to? I do NOT want to penetrate anybody!!  Dublew TEE EFF!!!! I had to block her for now so I don’t get those annoying messages!

 

And something more serious now. I kind of left your question unanswered the other day, and here’s my answer, after pondering over it for a few days.

I want to be very very honest with everything I say. The truth is that I’ve had a lot of second thoughts and still do, and my feelings have been very inconsistent. There were times where I couldn’t bring myself to just enjoy what we have in the present and started questioning myself if I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes when both of us get busy and don’t talk for a few days, I have this fear that you might just disappear to somewhere one day and I won’t even know. Of course it’s just me thinking, but it also makes me wonder how vulnerable this bond between us is, as much as we’d like to think it’s strong. Most of the time though, when those thoughts pop into my head, I’m able to convince myself to let them go because I know I can trust you, and that our connection is built on nothing but trust. Like you said, nothing is truly impossible, but there are things you are sure of; like when I had a crush on someone, I knew for sure that those feelings are going to go away and that one day I won’t even remember who that person was or why I was crushing on him. I can’t promise this and that, or how things won’t change because we all know it’s not true. But I’m glad I’ve come to a stage where I’m almost certain that what I have with you is not one of those things that I’m going to regret and forget later, and no matter how things change in time I’ll always remember how special it is and how much life has changed ever since you came into my world. Another thing I know for sure is that I love you, because my heart tells me so.

So I turn on my lappie, log on to MSN and this conversation window pops up. Longest offline messages I’ve ever seen.

Overdramatic much, Mr. H&S? I’m not dying!  On a side note, what kinda stupid person would put 'Can't believe I slept so much' as his status message??

Anyway, nothing much to update about myself really, except that I lost my keys and my favorite pair of Nike training pants. What’s funny is that it’s almost my last month here, and I have to go through all the trouble to get new copies of those keys. I hope it’s not my secret stalker who stole them so he/she can wear my gym clothes and come into my room to watch me sleep or something. Grrr. Also I hope the swine flu doesn’t get any more serious than it already is; I don’t want to really think about this but it’d be really disappointing, and I wouldn’t know what to do if the summer program got canceled. Please let me go, because this is very important to me.

I need to rescue my camera ASAP from the locked drawer so I can update with pictures. Yeah.

Mar 8|Sunday

Well I figured if everything else is changing in my life, why don’t I change the way I blog too? I didn’t blog much at all over the past two years, and whenever I did, I had this fixed way of writing, and it’s usually very negative thoughts. I was shocked to see how bad life has been for me and how upset I’ve been as I was reading the old blog entries the other day; or should I say, I’m actually more surprised that I feel it’s a little hard to sympathize with the old self now. I don’t know if I’m finally starting to let go of my ‘ego’, like how they say it in spiritual books, or if it’s just time; whatever it is, I know I am making a change and good things are coming along my way, hopefully.

It’s been a long while since I felt like blogging properly, you know, like putting pictures and giving actual updates on me and everything else that’s happening around me. Back in high school blogging used to take up a large chunk of my online time, I’d take and edit pics just to put on my blog, and change my background music every other few weeks or so. Now I actually feel like doing that all over again HAHA. Well of course not with a bunch of silly pictures of myself, but I feel like I should write more about life, people and things instead of being so caught up in my own thoughts and contemplations. Being able to think is good, but too much thinking won’t get you anywhere.

I was talking to a friend just now and I asked her how one of her classes is going cuz I know she hates it, and she said it’s actually getting interesting, or perhaps her attitude towards it is changing. I think that’s exactly how I feel about coming to school here, only that I started to see things differently and not hating it so much when I was this close to leaving. But still good, at least there was a change somewhere along the way; I still believe that it’s never too late for changes.

Our second assignment for the English Lit class I’m taking is ‘presenting your favorite poem’. I know.. like whaaaaaaaat?? I don’t even have a favorite poem, let alone presenting it. Ugh.. I don’t know how to read a poem, it’d just sound flat if I read it, I’d rather sing it HAHA. Aye anyway, I’ll worry about that later, for right now I’m keeping myself entertained with fabulous music and podcasts!

And I just found this stupid quiz thing I saw a while ago, so I tried doing it myself and came up with some funky answers.  I think it's pretty cool to have a name that starts with a L, a lot better than C. Oh wait a sec, C applies to me as well. Never mind.  

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name: Linan
2. A four letter word: LOVE

3. A boy's name: Lincoln
4. A girl's name: Linda
5. An occupation: Line attendant
6. A color: Lime
7. Something you wear: life jacket
8. A food: lemon
9. Something found in the bathroom: lubricant (wait is that more likely to be found in the bedroom?)
10. A place: london
11. A reason for being late: love-making
12. Something you shout: lousy!
13. A movie title: love actually
14. Something you drink: lemon tea
15. A musical group: LMNT
16. An animal: lion
17. A street name:  link road
18. A type of car: limo
19. The title of a song: lonely

Mar 9|Monday

First-ever Shaw College picture! I remember my first day/week/time here in the summer of 2006, back when the only thought on my mind was to fast-forward time to 2009. And right now I’m torn between the feelings of disbelief and relief. I don’t know if I should try to reminisce and remember everything, or be glad that it’s finally over, and I’m finally here at where I’ve always wanted to be, ready to leave everything behind and move on. 

p.s. I look kind of... American in this pic. Hmm.. weird.

 

 

hahaha oh god.. my typo at it's best!! funnier thing is, i didn't even realize that i made a typo until i read it just now! when you said 'makes me think you blush' i went like 'wtf? why does peaceful have anything to do with blushing??' BHAHAHAHAH PEACHFUL! YUMM.. seriously, i need to stop typing things wrong. 

---

Mar 14|Saturday

The sun finally came out after weeks of cloudy weather, it’d be a great day for a picnic trip, or the beach.

The thought of graduating and leaving is thrilling! I don’t know if I’m as excited as I thought I would be actually, things aren’t that bad after all, and lately I’ve been having this feeling that I might actually miss this kind of life once I move out of here and start working. But thinking how I’ve been waiting and dreading for this day to come, I’m glad it’s finally here. It also means I’m one step closer to summer, my out-of-Asia adventure and everything else that involves a lot of FUN and LOVE.

So. While I was taking grad pics, I wanted to do one of those hat-throwing poses:

 

But mine turns out to be……..

 

Hahaha doing a magic trick??? My photographer totally knows how to 'capture the moment'!!

Of course, without attempting stupid poses, I still look like an intellectual college grad. Well I meant a regular student.

---

Mar 22|Sunday       Recollection of the old times

I logged on to my long-abandoned Hotmail account today and started looking through my inbox. The earliest emails were received in early 2003, back when I first registered this account, and that was also when I was first started using the computer/surfing the net. My webname US_pork, if you ever wonder, was created right then, when I needed a nickname to enter the MSN chat room. Of course it’s not like I wanted to make friends online or whatever, I was only curious to see what it was. Found an email message I wrote to my dad (don’t really know why I wrote in English, probably because I couldn’t figure out how to get the Chinese typing on my comp working):

June 11, 2003 -  four months after I left home to go to school in another country. My English was a lot better than I thought it was! HAHAHA. See at that point I’d only been learning it properly for a few months but I already knew all the tenses!! And all the capitalizations!! I don’t even do them right now haha.

I guess what the 15-year-old me didn’t know was that it was the beginning of a new journey, and the start of revolutionary changes in life. Sometimes it takes a few years to see what a simple decision could change, and another few to judge whether it’s wrong or right. I’m glad I’ve come to a point where I stopped pondering how life would’ve been different if different decisions were made, and am able to appreciate how my experiences have made me different from everyone else.

As difficult as it is for a person and for things to change, it’s usually faster than you can imagine when they actually happen.

 

Drifting the topic to something a little stupider, this is proof that I’m not the only one who makes typos:

Do you mean I SHOULD always miss the buses because of you? Makes great sense doesn’t it?!

 

And I found the questions ridiculous while I was filling in the online app for my US visa earlier today. I mean, I know it’s part of the legal requirement to ask everybody those questions, but still.. WTH?!

Would you get a visa right away if you said yes?? LOL

Last week of March! The weather is still being a bitch, and it gives me headaches and a blowing nose. I'm in serious need of some tropical air!

If I could tell you how things have been changing and how much better I've been feeling, I most definitely would. But most of you wouldn't really understand, neither do I know completely what is happening myself. After all we are different individuals who meet each other at different stages in life. It's only reasonable for one not to understand what other people have gone through to get to where they are now. All I know is to cherish everything I have in the present, be grateful and believe that the best is yet to come.

Last weekend was great! Finding different places to eat, walking around town, yoga and a little bit of heart-to-heart talk are absolutely perfect weekend activities.

                                           

Ghetto caramel frappachino                  Daughter's pumpkin seafood rice                   Random Indian shop

-1/3 the price of a Starbucks one           - wish 'daddy' were here too

就像你我之间的距离 这一份也许不能算爱的爱 隔着太阳月亮 海洋大陆 感受的到却触摸不到 说的出口但却总是迟到

一切都很好 好像从旧的自己里重生 用新的眼睛看生活 感激的心爱着生活 不去担心不必担心的 也不怀疑这是不是假象 因为很确信不是

如果一开始就是如此 该是多么美好的一件事 那些不该有的恨和泪 就从来都不会发生 可是一切都不晚 从来不晚 快乐的事 随时随地来都觉得及时 所有的笑容 笑声和满足 应该足够去忘却伤和痛 不是么?

生活为什么永远要跟人们做对 快放弃的时候才降临幸运 快离开的时候开始不舍 即将被冷酷覆盖的时候开始学会爱

为什么会被萍水相逢 还未来得及去了解的一个笑容一直牵动 能供给那么多甜蜜 从地球另一边寄来爱的那一种幸福 却畏惧接受 是否人们总是自己跟自己作对 才错过了一次又一次拥抱幸福的机会

对未来的恐惧还在 不知道是否能够重新认识曾经厌倦的城市 是否能持续面带笑容看过往的人群 是否能自己搭起一座桥梁 平稳地走过去 可如果生活都能够预见和规划 又怎会有邂逅 惊喜 和能带你去另个世界的转弯?

所有的一切都值得 所有的伤口和疼痛都可以愈合 如果这所有的一切都是真实的 注定的 持续的 可以把付出都想象为为等待这一刻到来而做出的牺牲和努力

还没有完完全全站立在想站的那一点 不过很近 非常近 还在等待可以没有负担接受快乐幸福的那一天 等待插上翅膀飞起来

想象很遥远 心却离得很近

未来很遥远 过程和决心却让它看起来很近

距离那么远 可每一句话都触碰到心底

等待很漫长 爱却让每一天都充满笑容

其实幸福和快乐都很近 只要放眼远望 并打开心扉去感受

整个过程的最开始是因为离开了原本生活 跳进一个陌生的圈子 并没有预见未来 也没有去想一切就此会开始改变 当然更没有想这种改变是好是坏 很愚蠢 很天真

当意识到深陷其中的时候就只想逃离 因为这种冲动而麻木 结果掉进了更深的陷阱 暗无天日 天天幻想身在别处 却始终不能脱离现实

也就只能自认倒霉 就当作是对自己不负责的一种惩罚 虽然其中更多的是外界因素 但改变最终源于自身 期待某种奇迹发生只会让等待变得没有期限

然后终于有了这样一天 透过很微弱的光似乎看到了出口 连兴奋都忘了只是难以置信 很快可以跳着蹦着逃走 永远不回头 毕竟 有过如此经历 哪里的空气都那么新鲜 只要那一天最终到来 所有的等待就都值得 所有的后悔和怨恨也都可以忘却

只要那一天最终到来

还是不清楚想要的是什么 只有种模糊的想象 却很清楚不要什么 憎恨什么 不屑什么 猜想只要没了这些 剩下的都没有那么坏

表面看起来大同小异 形形色色的人 经历却各不相同 或轰轰烈烈地恋爱过 或奋不顾身拼搏过 或有个大家庭 亦或从来没孤单过 所以事情总是有缘由 当我们看到人与人之间的不同时 但却为什么要沮丧 每次邂逅都可能让以后的日子变得不同 每个生活中的人都带来其他人所没有的气息

很快就要到达出口 很快 依然不能期望太多 否则失望的机率就越大 遥望它成为度过这一段的很大动力 因为还是要前进 哪怕终点再近

我还是相信改变从来不会太晚

Be the change you want to make!

zero – may 30

清晨5点半 奇特的时间 胸口隐隐作痛

仿佛明天去春游 或者到异国他乡 或者邂逅想象已久的浪漫 但却什么都没有 原来只是焦虑作怪 抓住支撑物的手忽然悬空了 内心就惊惶不已

还在一遍遍理那些回忆 每次都有遗漏的被挖掘 原来最快乐的那一段日子 是有小的刚够站脚的家 离家很远的学校 还有很多很多年以后才意识到可以叫做best friends的小女孩儿们 却一不小心丢了并忘了去找

后来再后来它们都没出现过 就好象从未存在过 直到突然被想起的时候 像这一刻

可却已经如此远 时间走了多远的路 才从1993来到2008?

跟从拼搏到放弃 在意到无谓 小到大 简单到复杂 快乐到忧愁 还有累积疼痛的路程一样长吧 我想

夏天来到的时候虽然一样穿短袖裙子 却不再会列一张从早上8点开始的详细时间表 然后完全不执行 不再写毫无建设性的周记日记 可还是有偶尔一样慵懒的下午 自己娱乐自己打发时间 偶尔看着照片文字诡秘地笑 偶尔幻觉让生命起伏的改变都不曾发生

也许是时候停止容忍 开始行走 毫无目的也同样能飞 飞着飞着就找到了方向

It's about time!

one - june 7

那也是个夏天　在同一台电脑前　焦急地等待结果

再早一点是热带的灿烂温暖阳光　没有春秋冬　总是背心热裤的夏季　学习physics还有calculus 到兴奋 原来是如此有趣的科目 只怪从前没能去探索 一场奋力拼搏的考试 却未能成功地搭起一道阶梯

是带着怎样的心情和目光走的回程的路 也已不再记得 的确是过了很长很长的路 不是么

 

渐渐的 也都可以试着去解开那些心结 回到原本生活中来 也没有不好 其实 总是近处的事物比较真实 远得无法触及的也就不需要再去挂念了吧

时间总会带着心走到该去的地方 绿树葱葱的宽阔大马路 他的灿烂笑容和眉飞色舞 每个在club挥霍青春的夜晚凌晨 有了机会 也还会重新拾起来 只要不忘了

happiness = excitement

是 在世上等待下去的唯一原因 便是想经历还未有过的经历 去不同的地方 遇到新朋友 看看10几20年以后的生活 跟想象的差多少 有没有很大的一栋房子 三角钢琴 新的家庭 和虚假的友情爱情

放着很久以前杂志里附送的CD 却如此恰到好处的和着雷雨声阐述这个午后的心情 找出以前收到的信件 就算从不怀旧也想念从前网络还没那么普及的时候 会抽出时间买信纸信封 坐下来写2页家常八卦 或许也不只是科技变了 而是对生活的态度吧

 

书籍 音乐 运动 阳光 海滩

夏天 开始吧

Will I still be able to let go of the past, when it's a part of my present?

原来不过是5个月，距离上一次见你，第一次见你；不过是5年多，距离上一次改变命运的抉择。过着不热爱的生活，却都已经2年，曾经是如何堆积起来的，心里知道。

不要犯我犯过的错，牺牲自己，放弃追求，以为几年不过转瞬即逝，如果不热爱，就选择改变。经历再宝贵，也不是时间机器。

就是如此挥之不去，哪怕只是偶遇。混合着幻想的暗恋，是否每个人都有过。越想放越放不了，对美好生活憧憬一点一点被敲碎的过程，无助得剩下泪水，满心欢喜去迎接失望，竭尽全力哭诉完后才发现找错对象。虽然所有一切都过去了，却从未消失，从未被遗忘，变成隐藏着的伤疤，你提醒我的时候，它就作痛。虽然学会了如何看世界，却与初生婴儿截然不同。已经写在一张纸上的东西，擦了也还是有印记。 是不是要再循环一次，用同一把刀去割刚愈合的伤口，还认为依旧可以忍受。为什么要伤自己这么深，来迎合其他的一切。

还是得用平静的心来看一切，忘不掉的也无需用来定义自己，或许20年后，就会淡得像幼时的记忆。我也只能寄多一点希望予当下和未来，尽管看起来都不那么令人兴奋。可能每件事需要不同长短的时间来冲淡，慢慢的就好了吧。不需要大起大落的兴奋和悲伤，生活摘下这些标签之后，其实都一样。你喜欢的人没有你想象的那么可爱，你自己也不过就是普通人，尽管化了艳丽的装拿了名牌包。

我只有慢慢去学，并知道自己在学，相信改变的可能性和力量，透过时间的眼睛来观察。

Most people don't inhabit a living reality, but a conceptualized one; an essential part of the awakening is the recognition of the unawakened, the ego as it thinks, speaks, and acts, as well as the recognition of the collectively conditioned mental processes that perpetuate the unawakened state.

Sitting on the bus, not knowing where it goes, I let my mind wander while everything else moves into stillness. A clueless crush, an endless road and a way out of the reality were all I had and needed to have.

这个时刻现实和非现实的界限又开始变得模糊，忘了这是自己的身体和脸，脑袋在外太空。

空旷的操场上两个人的背影，仰头放手一串轻气球，黄昏海滩的日落晚霞，伴着浪花的奔跑和有回音的欢笑。

蒙上眼睛就出现的这一系列若隐若现的画面，是记忆的某个片断，或是梦想的一部分？

没人想成为那个整天做白日梦的胖女孩，可却抵挡不了某时某刻非现实突如其来的袭击。一首歌，一种味道，一行字或者一幅画，撞击心里最软弱的那一点。然后又被可以触摸的现实世界拉回来，继续过无创造力无新意的生活。日子都开始相似，有什么不是一个循环？

忽然间时间似乎不那么快了，过了今天有明天，明天后还有明天，不像金钱，花了也不会自动填补。是否因为忘了期待什么，在生活的道路上走得太久有点迷路，或是本身就处在一个迷宫。哈，愚蠢的问题。有些时候真的只要做，不要想，好像大多中国式教育模式里出来的人，不知道自己拼搏的目的是什么，似乎也不想知道。

放弃些愚蠢的想法，花个浓妆整个容不会蜕变成仙女，中了彩票也不等于和别的富翁马上平起平坐，讲几句英语不会国际化，丑小鸭也不会一夜间变成白天鹅。改变是个艰难而缓慢的过程，给自己下的定义再多，你还是原来的你，旧的你。可是否什么都不去争取，活在当下，忘记自己的存在，不思考生活就可以返璞归真，快乐的像赤脚在草地上奔跑的小孩？

如果现实真的理想化。可惜没有。还是一堆一堆虚假的笑容，对着分明想呕吐的举止大赞可爱乖巧，真正欣赏的确只能对着照片微笑；照镜子的时候还是上下左右都不满意，花很长时间也画不好一个妆很气馁；就算舞厅的灯光暗的谁也看不见谁也希望是自己在发光；花90%的精力在明知一辈子都用不到的知识上，却放弃贴近心灵的音乐，艺术和自我提升；到底谁是评委，谁是参赛者？

虽然知道选择很有限，所以只能够维持这种波澜不惊的心态，也不要期待奇迹，就做该做的，路也就慢慢看的见。

闹钟伴着正午的阳光打扰了一个果冻般的梦 然后在那一瞬间 用力思索到底哪个是真实世界

开始思考上一次度假的时候，已经过去了2个月；上一次开怀大笑，已是几年前。如此触手可及的少年时代，其实都过了很久。可生活还不就是这样子，平淡得巴不得时间可以快进，又生恐抓不住记忆的尾巴。有时羡慕从前的自己，竟然可以做到那些现在无法想像的事；又有时不相信从前的自己，竟然幼稚得可笑，害羞得可怜，颓废得一无是处。然后又开始思索当时当下，是如何的状态，未来该怎样。然后再重复，就是这样无止境无目的的循环思考，每每过一段时间发出一次'早知当初'的感叹。哈，是阿，预测不了未来，也改变不了过去，如此明了的道理，却似还未懂，或还未用到。哪怕所有道理都能说得头头是道 又如何？

大家都知道缺少的就是consistency，每天的小动作一年后就会有大变化。却永远没人来填补这个空缺。新年计划随之变得每年都一样，然后想，去年到底在干嘛。好多年后恐慌地发现几年前的计划至今仍未实现。到底该放还是该追，还是追一段放一段。

Stand up, take a step, repeat. 这么简单，却这么难。

浑浑噩噩的日子习惯了之后似乎眼界也变得短小，再没有那一种犀利的目光可以透过现象看本质，又或许是还怕太深入的探究，挖掘到的只会是被埋起来的痛。错认为有多么特别的一个人，原来连一句共同语言也没有，难道五官会骗人，微笑会骗人，还是自己的眼睛骗了自己的心。错误的决定，有了第一次，也还会有第二次，好像躺在广场欢迎所有人来嘲笑自己的愚蠢。为何非要等到来不及了，才懂得如何弥补。难道这又叫做成长，用看似无穷尽的岁月来学习已经心知肚明的道理。

只剩下臆想 如果所有现实都那么遥远 就算假象也是被欢乐地欺骗着

阳光那么灿烂 在你们的头发上照出漂亮的颜色 映衬着你们的笑容 我想拍下来取名叫青春

你的微笑那么甜美 眼睛和嘴角的弧线几乎可以在脸上画一颗心 我却好像隔着屏幕在看你 那么近 却那么远

如此时尚的大都市 精致的妆容和言语 伴着音乐和酒精 露齿大笑绽放的魅力 自己在暗处 当一位看客

原来人世间自古以来就有这般多姿多彩的生活 红的绿得紫的黑的 或者彩色的 可哪种是自己的

用了几年的时间来走一座桥 却还没有到对岸 只能继续隔岸相望 但过河的渴望早没有当初那么热烈 可除了继续鼓励自己还能怎样 没有尽头的路也要继续走 生活除非不开始 开始以后就是数不尽的艰辛

老套的相信有一天一切都会好 就像迷信的人们相信风水 热恋中的人相信奇迹一样 哪怕是自己骗自己 亦很快乐 你有巧克力和花 他有未来 我有个即将破还未破灭的梦 再过10年我们再来看互相到底有什么 时间是一切 谁能想到现在的我们是我们现在这样

谁能想的到有一天平淡的小幸福都不见了 再没有吃一顿快餐的满足 买一件衣服的欣喜 打一天游戏的舒坦和见一个特殊的人的兴奋 那些优秀美好人和事和物也都还在 可看到之后只会说 很好但不适合 是眼睛的问题 还是心的问题 还是它们加在一起的问题

谁能想的到有一天生活变得需要去思考 才忽然意识到无需思考的生活那么快乐

知道我是如何明晓事理 可是否知道我是如何懂得放弃99%的美好事物 如何不相信梦想 如何可以不在乎所有的一切 如何经历了青春

为何那个与众不同的异类 一直都是自己

以为生活在别处，却发现印记也只是淡淡的一点，那刻骨铭心的场景是不再发生，还是被藏了起来，像杯底的巧克力粉，要晃动才会浮上杯面。

想去的地方都去了，想见不想见的都见了，该做不该做的也都做了，为何失落没有走，满足没有来。是憎恨曾经这种生活，还是离得太远，遗忘了它。我想如今的生活还没那么坏，至少改变让那些刺眼的真实变得透明。只是自己还未变得透明，在浑浊中试图掩盖。谁都知道这只是无奈，何尝不希望每次微笑都发自心底。

原来我们都那么需要爱和温暖，哪怕是假的，施舍的，暂时的。孤身一人的时候试图隔离自己，却变得越来越容易被爱侵袭。我们也有那么多炙热的爱去给，可总是找不到对象。一切都是虚伪的，爱是真的。听起来像大话，却是真的。

场景变幻心境也变了，依赖上虚幻的生活忘了回来的路，到底哪种是现实。表述变得越来越钝，大脑和手指尖的神经链接的不够好，以至于想说的只有极小的一部分被表达，其余的都藏着，也许有灵感降临的那一天。脑袋也很累，有些像都不愿意去想，封起来叫做回忆，某天看的时候惊讶曾经还有这样的事发生。哼，人到底是活在当下，还是过去？